


Metal Heart

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Romance, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-07
Updated: 2005-07-07
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:16:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brians thoughts and feelings during and after Justins announcement in episode 507.





	Metal Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Christ, the club was packed tonight. I could hardly breathe. I just wanted to...see that sunshine smile, feel him under my skin, that has been aching for it all fucking night. I swear, that kid does things to me. No, wait. He’s not a kid anymore. Not that little fragile pack of beauty I found under the streetlight. He’s a man now, probably more of man than I’ll ever be. I ache for him. It hurts.

Before I open the door to the loft, I can feel him. Once I’m inside I can’t wait to see his sunshine smile that lights up whenever he sees me. The way it’s been these last 4 years, with the exception of my fuck-up-moments: the bashing, the fiddler and my illness. I still blame myself for each of them, knowing that two of them weren’t even my fault. It’s hard to figure out which two, though.

I wait to see, long to see this ray of sunshine lighting up my evening. Lighting up my life. And then I feel it. Something’s off. Shit. I fucked up. Again. I’m replaying all of the past days in my head, but can’t seem to find anything out of place, so...where did I go wrong?

I’m starting to chitchat, knowing he’s not remotely interested in anything I’m saying. God, this bugs me. Justin, would you just say it already?

And then he does. I knew he would. “ I’ve made some decisions.” Shit. We start to throw a ball back and forth. Can’t he just see? That’s NOT who I am. Never who I will be. I think. Fuck, this kid’s- man’s changed me so much. He taught me - dare I say it - how to be loved. Even slightly, how to love in return. 

We’re here again. The point of no return. The circle of our “non-relationship”. The point where everything starts to fall apart. Don’t want to lose him. I can’t. Not again. Never again.

Still I find myself saying the words he expected me to say, not the words I feel like saying.  
Stay. I love you. Don’t leave. Never leave. I’ll change. For you. For us. It’s hard.

“Damned if I know”

Shit, he has packed already. I’m trying to hide the pain, but he’ll see it. He knows it, knows me like no one else does, even Mickey. 

He’s standing in front of me, wrapping his arms around my neck. I’m afraid to answer his embrace, afraid I’ll break him, afraid I won’t be able to let go. I..I love you..

“Where are you going?”  
“I’ll figure it out”

You fucking shouldn’t have to figure it out . You should stay. Stay. please. If only I weren’t such an asshole.

I hear the icy metal of the door, squeaking. The elevator coming up. Going down. 

Silence. 

And I’m alone again.

Broken.


End file.
